I bought the whole Adele album (the new-ish one, called 21) and have been playing it and re-playing it like I used to with my Ani DiFranco albums in college. Music is so good for my soul. Yesterday I was driving to the grocery store - a mere 2 miles or so - and both of my beautiful babies were screaming their heads off. I stopped three separate times to try and console Audrey and hope that a pacifier would help. It became clear that I just needed to drive us there as quickly as possible, so I turned up the volume on Adele and sang my heart out. I realize that I am now a 30-something suburban mom, driving my 2 young children around in my Suburu, but damn did it feel good to rock out to "Rolling in the Deep". I felt like myself again- not as a mom or a wife or a daughter whose mom just died- but just like me.
on my mom-- I feel like she is just on a very long trip and we are all aching for her return. I don't think I am in denial that she has passed away, but I just can't process the idea that this is permanent. I miss her. I cry a lot when no one is looking.
on audrey-- I feel so much more confident as a mother this time around. She fits into our family so naturally and it feels really good to have her sweet warm little head resting on my chest right now as I type this. She is breastfeeding wonderfully and once again I am loving that bond. I love being a family of 4 even though it is terribly exhausting. She wants to be held all the time, and I try to oblige. Slings and my Moby wrap help a lot but it's still a lot of work. I broke a glass while I was putting the dishes away yesterday, while I was holding Audrey and Juliet was clinging to my leg. I thought, "I just can't do this! This is impossible!" and felt like crying. But I now realize that I can do this-- it just may mean that the dishes don't get put away on time. But I can love Audrey, and love Juliet, and that's enough for right now.
(wearing Audrey in my favorite ring sling)
on juliet-- It just keeps getting better. She is at an age that is positively delightful. She gives us hugs and cuddles frequently and lots of laughter. She likes to play "hide" and will hide behind chairs and then jump out and laugh when I play with her ("Where's Juliet? Where in the world did she go?" even though she is in plain sight). I am trying to remember to really play with her, every day as much as I can. Not just to provide for her basic needs of food and safety, but to really get down on the ground and look in her eyes and play and giggle and run. She can also be frustrating and make me want to pull my hair out. She is learning to exert her own personality and that means shaking her head "No" and whining...oh my, the whining. I am starting a new parenting strategy with her, though, that's working really well and that I'll write more about later. It's a lesson for me in saying "Yes" more often.
on God-- I have been praying more. Praying about my mom. Praying that I can parent my daughters with love and not frustration or exhaustion. I am ready to worship my Creator again for this beautiful world.