Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Mama's new bikini

I bought a new bikini today from Target. Juliet carried it through the whole store, and then asked me to wear it when we got home. It's only inside our house...just imitating mama...so why not, right?
Anyway, she kept patting the padded top and saying, "Yummies!". Oh, dear! I'm glad she knows that breasts are for feeding babies, but it still makes me laugh!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

american idole finale

I am going to bed before I know who wins, but I'll just say:

Jennifer Lopez has amazing abs. Wow.

How is that possible after having TWINS?!

I'm feeling envy, never a good thing. Going to put my pajamas on now and I guess I will  pat my soft stretch-marked tummy and be gentle with myself!

p.s. I really hope that Phillip Phillips won! He is awesome. Who the hell names their kid that, though? Come on, now...of all the names in the world...

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


My sister Jamie surprised our whole family by flying across country for an impromptu visit! It coincided with Juliet's 2nd birthday, so it has been a very, very special week.

Juliet and Eva are only 3 weeks apart, and it is so much fun to watch them play and interact. I hope that their relationship will continue to grow over the years and that they will always have that special bond.

Monday, May 21, 2012


My favorite season is creeping in: watermelon season! I just a 1/4 of one by myself for dinner (yes, Gary, that's what I eat for dinner sometimes when you are traveling!). Remember when watermelon used to actually have SEEDS? My children are never going to have to spit out a watermelon seed for fear of a watermelon growing in their stomach if they swallow one, like I used to!

Mother's Day

We dedicated Audrey at church on Mother's Day, just as we did last year with Juliet. It was a lovely morning. We had a casual breakfast afterward with my Dad, sisters, aunt S and grandma.

I have not had the time to sit down and blog, but I do want to post these photos. Perhaps someday soon I will have time to actually write something of substance!

Friday, May 18, 2012

it's the little things

I walked into the bathroom this week to find Juliet like this. You didn't think that I feed and shelter her for free, did you? ;)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

growing girls

Trip to the pediatrician today: Audrey is (nearly) 9 months and 18.5 lbs and 28.5 inches (tall! 90th %). Juliet is (nearly) 2 years and 26.5 lbs and 34 inches. I am so grateful to have healthy, growing girls!

Friday, May 11, 2012

grief: mother's day edition

Are you tired about reading about my grief for my mom? Because I'm tired of writing about it. But it still fills me up, and sometimes needs to pour out of my fingertips so that I don't drown.

The thing I'm realizing is that I've been in a bit of a survival mode in regard to my grief over the last 9 months. It's been this sort of "Just hang on...hold on...until....until..."

Until, what?

I have been hanging on to this surreal idea that somehow my mom will be back again soon. I think the part of my brain that is protecting me and keeping me going has created this sort of weird cushion where I am unable to process the permanence of her death. That if I just hang on, get through these  times without her, that everything will soon be okay and normal again. Like she is on a long trip to somewhere far away where phones and emails don't work, but everything will be safe again soon.

The fact that she is not coming back, ever, is just so hard to process. I hate that I will be lying flowers on her grave for Mother's Day, not just this weekend, but for the rest of my own life.

I hate that her death has made me lie awake at night in terror of my own mortality. I hate that she will never watch her grandchildren grow. I hate that my dad and my sister have to live in that big house without my mom. I hate that I have to hold it together for the sake of everyone else. I hate that I just want to sit on the kitchen counter and watch her make vegetable soup and let my daughters run circles around their grandma's legs, but it's never going to happen no matter how much I wish it so.

This is permanent, this is forever. And I miss her.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

weekend in san francisco

What a special weekend, in so many ways.
Old friends. The best kind.

My travel partner. She did so well!
Beautiful shower celebration. This baby is so loved already!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

getting dirty

I've decided to start writing entries whenever the mood strikes. I keep waiting until I have the time to sit down and write, and ponder, and ruminate,and come up with some glorious revelation. And that just doesn't happen with young children. So, I'm letting go of 32 years of self-conscious criticism (at least when it comes to grammar and writing), and I'm just going to do what I can and push "Publish" without worry.

This photo is of Juliet playing in the dirt this week at Acacia park. We walk there a lot in the afternoons.

On this particular day, she found a stick to play in the dirt with. Twin sisters, about 4 years old, soon came over to play with her in the dirt, too. Their grandmother, who was watching them, yelled sharply at them to "get away from the dirt. You're going to get dirty!!". They were wearing play clothes- jeans, sneakers,  cotton shirts. Nothing that a little dirt would hurt.

The girls didn't answer their grandmother and continued to play with Juliet in the dirt. Another minute later, the grandmother was yanking them up and scolding, "We're going home now because you didn't listen! LOOK at YOU! You're DIRTY!". The girls whined and cried as they made their way to their car.

Of course, I have no idea what was happening beyond what I saw. For all I know, they had an important family portrait to take when they got home, and needed to be clean. I've learned from my own parenting mistakes, that one should do their best not to judge. But from the outside point of view, I felt a little sad for those girls, who were learning that getting dirty was something they were punished for. And I'm no perfect mother- I'm impatient and tired and short-tempered and I can go on and on and on- but I'm happy that I can let my little girl play in the dirt without worry or consequence.

oh, and p.s. See that shirt? She is OBSESSED with it. I have one in her size as well as a matching one in Audrey's (6-9 months). She insists on wearing it every single day, pulling it out of the laundry hamper each morning as soon as she wakes. It's been 1 week and I'm rotating her shirt with Audrey's (which fits except for some belly hanging out!) She is becoming very particular about her clothing and shoes lately, in a ridiculously endearing way. I am happy to oblige, for now at least.

warning, boob ahead

Sometimes, nap time looks like this.
Audrey, 8 1/2 months