Friday, September 30, 2011

2 month reflection of grief

My mom passed away on July 31, so this weekend marks 2 months of time since she has been gone. My sister just wrote about her grief and how she is handling it on her blog, just as I was sitting down to the computer to do the same. I guess our heads are in the same space- trying to enjoy the beauty of our children while also watching the calendar tick by and missing mom with a desperate longing.

Two months have gone by, and I still haven't visited her grave, despite it being just a couple miles away. Despite driving literally past it on several occasions. Each time I accidentally drive by (it's off a major road here), my eyes flood with tears and my hands shake against the steering wheel. I had to pull over to collect myself once.

The only time I have been to her grave was at her burial. I felt like a crazed, injured animal and wanted to run away as fast as I could. Instead, I hid my tears under a pair of dark sunglasses - it was a hot, sunny summer day - and quietly sat and held my sister's hand. I'm not ready to go back. I don't know if I ever will be.

I miss you, mom.  It isn't getting easier to accept that you are gone yet. There are so many moments that you are missing and it's just not fair. I'm not feeling like looking at any of the bright side at this very moment. I so often tell people, "Yes, it's hard, but there have been blessings too..." but that's really to make other people feel better. The truth is that it is a terrible thing that my dad doesn't have a wife, my daughters don't have a grandma, and I don't have a mom. I don't think that's ever going to go away.

No comments:

Post a Comment