Saturday, June 30, 2012

grief at 11 months

The girls refused to take their afternoon nap yesterday. In a desperate, exhausted attempt to get them to sleep, I drove in circles around my town. Surprisingly, this is the first time that I've ever attempted this strategy. And, it worked- at least for a little while.

I was so tired and emotional from a long week and I found myself driving along Bastanchury Road, enroute to my mom's resting place. With tears running down my face, I turned into the memorial park and stopped at her grave. I left the girls in the car with the air conditioning blasting, and sat at her grave, lying my face on the cool marble and sobbing and shouting. I miss her. It's not fair. I still need my mom, and she's gone, and I hate it.

Today was a new day, and actually a very good, busy day. I ran a 10K. It was great. I guess that's what grief at this stage is like- a very, very hard day mixed in with the rest of life. I still think of my mom every single day, many times a day, and during the middle of the night when I am shuffling between my room and Audrey's. My mom passed away 11 months ago. We are nearing the anniversary and I can feel it looming like a very unwelcome storm on the horizon.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Nursing feet

This photo doesn't look like much, but it preserves a special moment in time for me. Nursing my precious Audrey, while her leg hangs off of mine, and her little toes curl in the darkness.

I don't want to forget this. All the hours spent with my baby girl, rocking her in her room in the dark as she nurses in my lap. When she was a newborn, she was so small that I needed to prop her up with a nursing pillow, and her whole body curled in against mine. Now that she is growing, I casually place her body across mine, and her legs lazily dangle off the edge. I love these moments with my daughter.

This is the intimate bond that happens at night between mother and child, when everyone else is sleeping.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

this is what's been happening around here...


I pray my daughters have long lasting female friendships like I've been lucky to have.

Juliet wearing her favorite shirt...again...and again...

Beach day! Both the girls loved it! (Some helpful stranger had to help me carry everything back to the car. Lesson: leave the tent at home next time!)

I know that "the days are long but the years are short"...but a 10 month old teething AND a 2 year old also getting her molars in is quite the tiring challenge! My poor babies.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Juliet's 2nd birthday party

These photos are a couple weeks behind, and I still need to write a letter to Juliet for her birthday. But, for now, I'd like to just post the photos. It was such a fun day! We had a "Circus" theme, and I was really happy with how everything turned out. A lot of my "mom friends" came with their kids, so there were kids running around everywhere and the energy was just amazing! I really enjoy planning these parties for my girls and making it a special day.

a day at the farm

I took the girls to the local high school farm today, as part of a field trip with the MOMS Club. (yes, we have a high school here with an agriculture program, which is unusual given that this is a typical suburban city and there's not much in the way of farming around here.)

We had such a good time. Juliet enthusiastically greeted all of the animals, and loved petting each of them and feeding the lambs.  She is growing into such a delightful little girl.

And I'll admit that I loved it too. The fun part of being a mom is that you get to enjoy these moments of seeing the world through childlike eyes again. I especially enjoyed greeting the cows and having them lick my hand with their big, scratchy tongues. It's getting me excited to introduce the girls to the horse world in a few years and be able to get back into horseback riding myself, too! Being around the animals and that familiar smell of manure and alfalfa just brought back such wonderful childhood memories of riding our horse Esprit and learning compassion and responsibility in taking care of an animal.

Friday, June 1, 2012

trying to get back into this blog thing...

Fun day at the zoo with my girls! And now they are peacefully napping. Ahhhhh.....what a lovely Friday!