Saturday, July 27, 2013

Home Depot with "Baba" (grandpa)

Just one of the many reasons I am grateful to be living close to my extended family. These relationships are so special to me. These ordinary and everyday moments bring such a feeling of peace and intimate balance.

Gary and I attended a wedding in Berkeley last weekend and had such a great time, enjoying the fresh breeze and beauty of Berkeley and lovely conversations with old friends. The Bay Area has always whispered "home" to both of us over the years, and did again during our short trip. We talked about moving back up if my family ever starts dispersing and making mass exodus from Orange County, because they are the real reason we are here. And as much as I live the Bay, I hope everyone stays right where we are, because having your family near to love and be loved is really what this life is all about.


I've been dreaming so much about my mom recently. The dreams are just ordinary moments where my mom happens to be present. Nothing sage-like or worth interpretation, just warm pretend moments. It's disappointing to wake up.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


2 years ago we were going through the hardest week of my family's life, watching my mom endure the most terrible suffering and being unable to ease it. I prayed fervently every night when I finally went home, that she would pass peacefully in the night so that her suffering would end. It is a tremendously hard prayer for a daughter to make for her mother. I changed from praying that my mom would somehow get better, to praying that she would die, death being the most compassionate option. 2 years later, I still cry almost every day watching the images pass through my head. Some things just can't be unseen or forgotten.

But we are surviving. And better than that, we are thriving. Here is an image from a quiet night in my home last night, enjoying our most precious blessings and not taking any minute of this for granted. My mom's death has taught me that- there are no givens, no assumptions of tomorrow. So I am fiercely appreciative of every day I have on this earth with my children and my husband.

DIY with empty dog food cans

I want to do this! Maybe not this season of life since I haven't figured out how to master life as mom and also do much DIY but maybe some day...

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Dr. Audrey

Finn spiked his first fever last night, after a round of vaccinations. He was feeling so hot to the touch and fussy and the forehead scanner read 101.9. I worriedly hopped into a cool bath with him and then rocked him in the living room with a cool cloth on his forehead.

I was so concerned and focused on Finn that I was not paying much attention to the girls. But they sure were paying attention to me, anyway! Because this morning I walked into the living room to find Audrey gently placing baby wipes on Finn's head and quietly reassuring him, "it's okay, baby. Everything's okay."

It was such a sweet moment and a reminder that my children are watching and learning from me all the time, even and especially the unintentional lessons.

Finn is still running a fever today and I'm feeling so much tenderness toward him, and also some fatigue. I am also running a low fever and battling some pink eye, so my body is just not 100%. Gently reminding myself that these are the days I will ache for when my children are grown- the warm bodies seeking my comfort through day and night.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013