Saturday, January 28, 2012

on sleep, again

I remember this same thing happening with Juliet. About 5 months in, I just start losing it from the sleep deprivation.  I am so tired.

No one can understand what it means to routinely get so little sleep for such a long time, until you become a mother. Audrey is the same as Juliet was at this age, sleeping 3 hours or less in each stretch of sleep at night.  I see mothers online complaining about their babies not "sleeping through the night" yet, and honestly I would love to be in their shoes. I don't expect my baby to sleep through the night, not in the slightest. But I'm not sure how long I can do these 2 hour stretches anymore.

(For those who might counter, "Why don't you just bring her to bed with you?"...we do that often- every night for the first 3 months of her life, and then routinely since then. Last night, I slept with her from 11 pm on, and it did not help Audrey sleep more soundly. We were both up more than when we she is in her crib. I love snuggling my baby but being up every 45 minutes doesn't help anyone.)

Her naps have also deteriorated severely in the last several weeks, so that she is unable to sleep for more than 15 minutes alone. Ideally, she would be taking 3 naps per day. At best, we are getting one long nap in the mid-afternoon as long as I hold her the whole time in a dark, quiet room while Juliet naps. The other 2 naps either don't happen at all or are much too short for what I know she needs (for those who counter, "why don't you just wear her?"...even her naps in the Ergo or wrap are remarkably short, in the 20 minute range).

I have been here before. I know "this too shall pass".  I have read the books. I know she might be teething, might be growing, might be just being a baby who needs her mama to hold her just because. I know that complaining about being tired when you are a mom is a lame cliche. I spend so much of my waking moments thinking about how I can get my baby to sleep that I drive myself both bored and crazy with the repetitive thoughts.

But I am hitting my wall. I am grumpy. I was not a patient or kind mother this morning to either of my children. Gary ushered them out for a walk so I could collect myself. I do not like feeling this way, and I know that it's imperative that I learn to control myself and accept the exhaustion. It's really hard.

But of course as soon as I sit down to write this all, I feel silly and stupid. What a blessed life I have. Time to shake off the tireds and get back to loving my girls.

my gorgeous girl


  1. I just wrote this same thing to be posted tomorrow! But my son won't fall asleep on his own. I am hoping it passes as well.

    And your so right, you really don't know sleep deprivation till you become a mother. It takes so a toll on your emotions too. I was a grouch yesterday because of it.

  2. Yep, Sophie was the same. She was TERRIBLE at sleeping in the car, stroller, or Ergo at some point. I am definitely dreading this aspect of #2 the most. It just hurts so much to be woken as soon as you fall asleep -- particularly when you are in a deep sleep. Uck. I remember it too well from Sophie. So sorry that you are going through it now. :( I'm sure I'll be right there with you in a few more weeks. :P

  3. You can do it! One day at a time.

  4. Thank you for sharing and eloquently writing what we all feel. Some days more than others. Best advice I overheard recently was to take a "Mommy Time-out" when you approach that ugly mommy stage. We all need and deserve some breathing room once in a while. And NO it does not make you a bad mother. It helps keep you a sane mother. Good luck.