january 21

One year ago, my world crashed down and things changed forever.

My mom had a brain tumor, and a very, very bad diagnosis. But things still were being held together in a semblance of normal. A year ago, my mom was still herself. January 20, 2011 was almost an ordinary night, if it weren't for my mom's appointment for a biopsy of her brain at UCLA the next morning. The family had a casual dinner together and then we watched American Idol in my parents' living room.. I went home to tend to Juliet, then 8 months, and kissed my mom goodbye.

I was so worried and scared, and my mom looked right at me and said, "Oh, Jen, please don't worry. Everything is going to be fine."

Because that's what mothers do. I know that now. They reassure their children and comfort them and tell them everything is going to be okay, even when they're not so sure.

Everything wasn't just fine. Her biopsy went very, very wrong.  The memories of that day make me close my eyes in pain. Some things are just too terrible to remember. They are also too terrible to write down. If you were there, you know what happened. If you are just a casual reader, then it's too private to share. It was the worst day of my life, and then things kept getting worse.

I will say that the biopsy caused my mom to have 2 strokes, and the neurosurgeon removed a part of her frontal lobe due to intercranial swelling. She spent six weeks in intensive care and stroke rehab. That's the clinical description but it doesn't explain what really happened: we lost my mom that day, we lost who "she was" as our mom, and we never got to say a proper goodbye.

Mom was never the same, and she died six months later. My mom's death was too terrible to share on an Internet blog, but those of you who were there, know.  It hurts to remember but is impossible to forget.

I love you, mom. I miss you.

At my bridal shower, September 2008

20 months of Juliet

Dear Juliet,

You turn 20 months today. I don't know how long I will keep counting your age in months because at some point it becomes a little hard to do the math in my head. For instance, I am 382 months old. Try doing that without a calculator!

But every month still really does make a difference at your age. There are so many discoveries and developments that happen in these days of your life, that it's still worth memorializing the occasion.

This month was the month of THE TODDLER BED. A day after Christmas, you decided that it is really fun to climb out of your crib. Like, really, really fun and you did it during every consecutive nap and nighttime sleep. So our hand was forced. As much as I'd love to have kept you in a crib until you got your driver's license, we had to make the switch. It just isn't safe to let you climb out since the fall from the other side could really hurt you.

So your daddy took apart the crib and we put you in the toddler bed. Much to my surprise, you've done great. You get out of bed a little early sometimes. Your daddy has gone in to soothe you in the middle of the night, and I've walked into your room in the morning to find you both fast asleep, you in your bed and your daddy balled up on the floor next to you.

These are the moments I long to remember. Your daddy and I tucking you in at night, surrounded by your beloved doggies. Whispering our prayers before bed, asking God to bless our family and keep us safe. Quietly leaving you in bed for the night, knowing that your dad will tiptoe in to sleep by your side if you are ever afraid.

I love you, forever.

love, mama

bits & pieces

I'm really enjoying the sunny 70 degree weather in Fullerton while reading through Facebook posts on the  snow & ice storm in Seattle. Just one good reason to have moved back to my hometown!  I blame my parents for having raised me in a warm climate- no matter how much I tried to acclimate to colder weather, it's just not my favorite.

My mom used to say that she could never move back to Chicago after having moved to Laguna Beach in her 20s and spending a winter day on the beach, eating an avocado in the sunshine. And I agree. And I miss my mom; memories of her flood in every day and I feel waves of grief that knock me to my knees.

This was how we started our morning, before having a lovely visit with some old friends and their little ones. Juliet's new "Cheese!" face cracks me up.

How about you?

5 months of giggly Audrey

Dear Audrey,

You are 5 months today. I've deliberately slowed our pace down since the New Year began, after so much activity over the holidays. We have had many days of just staying home, enjoying each other as a family instead of rushing to finish errands or play with friends. It's been nice to lie you down on a blanket in the backyard, and let you stare up at the leaves on the trees while Juliet plays on her slide. If you are the slightest bit fussy, going outside is always an instant cure; your sister was the same way.

You started sitting unassisted this month. Well, at least for about 10 seconds before you topple over! I am so proud of you and also a little sad that you are growing up so fast. I keep trying to take mental snapshots of you because I don't want to get so knee deep in the sleep deprivation (and boy, am I tired!) that this all passes me by.

You are also giggling like crazy. When I say you are a happy baby- oh, baby, do I ever mean it! I was feeding Juliet her lunch today and you were sitting in my lap watching her eat. Juliet decided to throw all her food across the table in dramatic fashion. I was all set to correct your sister's behavior, when all of a sudden you erupted in raucous laughter. You looked right at Juliet as she was misbehaving and were giggling like crazy at her. It was so funny that I couldn't help but laugh myself.

And then this evening, you giggled while your daddy kissed you and tickled your belly. There is nothing better for a mama to see.

You are a little drool monster this month, and often your less-happy moments are obviously from teething. It keeps you up at night and you've had some inconsolable crying a few times from your poor gums. I frantically bought every single teething pain relief item I could find on Amazon this week, but things have seemed to settle for now. I hate teething, and I'm sure you feel the same. Thanks for giggling through it, most of the time!

I love you, forever and ever.

love, mama


stats: breastfeeding every 3-4 hours during day, grabbing at toys, sitting unassisted for short periods. 3 naps per day. bedtime is at 6:30, sleeping for about 5 hour stretch then up every couple hours (teething). no solids yet. still hate the car.

The days are long but the years are short.

Audrey learned to sit! 4 & 1/2months

Arboretum with our friends. Lucky that Jenna & Val's kids take Juliet under their wing.

How is she old enough to do this already?

Dealing with a bit of a milk  supply issue and found that these things in addition to daily oatmeal work wonders!! I really miss my mom and wish I could talk to her about this.

Juliet was crabby all morning and after a short walk around the block, I find her like this. I should know by know that crabby = tired!

Back to fighting weight of 115 lbs though my tummy is still soft. Thanks to Audrey for eating away the weight for me.

our "new" backyard playset (thanks to dear friends who've outgrown it)

We are taking daily afternoon walks to the park to jump in leaves.

Audrey is on a crib strike. So we are back to sleeping together again. I can't say I mind at all. I mean, how could I? I know it won't last forever and she's so snuggly.

texting the truth

Next time Gary asks me what Jenna and I text each other all day long, I shall direct him to this post. Yes, this is my life.

in gratitude to...

1. The double swaddle:
Have you ever heard of the double swaddle? It's a pretty funky swaddle technique that is really easy, and looks ridiculous. Recently, Audrey has been breaking out of the veclro swaddlers much too easily and waking herself up. And it has become evident that she still needs to be swaddled to both fall asleep and to stay asleep. So I went back to the double swaddle, which I learned at a moms group held in Seattle at an awesome place called Birth and Beyond. Here is a link to a video that shows how to do it. Audrey has gone from taking a 25 minute nap and waking up very unhappy and still-tired, to sleeping for 2-3 hour stretches and waking up with a smile. Thank you, double swaddle!

2. Zulily customer service:
I was all set to write a scathing review of Zulily this morning. I purchased a pair of (See Kai Run) shoes for Juliet. It took 3 weeks for them to arrive (normal since it's a discount site, but still), and then when they arrived yesterday, not only was it the wrong size, but it was also the wrong shoe altogether! I was so annoyed. I called customer service, and the nice lady with the Southern accent helped by: 1) sending me the right pair of shoes, 2) giving me a $10 credit on a future order, and 3) letting me keep the wrong pair of shoes instead of sending them back! The "wrong" pair is a size 7, and completely adorable,  just one size up from what I ordered, so essentially I got a free pair of ($50 retail) shoes for Juliet. Woo hoo. Thank you, Zulily, for proving me wrong about you.

3. Boudreaux's Butt Paste:
Juliet loves oranges. The problem is, that she gets a terrible, awful diaper rash every time she eats them. I keep thinking that she'll be "over it" and allow her to have a small little clementine or an orange off our backyard tree, and then it becomes quite obvious that her body doesn't tolerate the citrus yet (ever?)
Thank you to Boudreaux's Butt Paste for making her bottom better!