tender is the night

It's quiet in my house tonight. Gary had to go away to the beach for work for a few days. He called to say good night to Juliet and we used FaceTime on our phones so Juliet could see him.  She put her chubby little finger to the phone and squealed, Dada! Dada! It made my heart soar to see my little girl so gleefully in love with her daddy.

I tell Juliet to pick out a book to read and she pulls four of them from her bookshelf. I read to her while she hides behind the rocking chair and tucks her head around with a sneaky smile to make sure I know she's hiding. Audrey is wrapped up on me, fussing a bit because I keep standing and sitting, leaning this way and that. Then we say our prayers for the night, "Thank you Jesus for daddy and mommy and Audrey, and Grandpa, and Nana and Papa, and tell Grandma in heaven we miss her. Thank you for letting us go to the park and and throw the ball for Ellie dog. Please keep us safe and warm tonight. Amen." And then I tuck Juliet in, and say what we always say--"Now it's time to sleep. All your favorite friends are waiting for you". And they are- her three cuddly dogs, a talking dolly, a colorful snake, Raggedy Ann, and Winnie the Pooh, all awaiting Juliet's arrival. I lay her down, gently kiss her and close the door. I watch the video monitor and sigh gratefully as I watch her quietly scoot around her crib to find a comfortable place to rest her head.

And then I turn my attention to Audrey. Her late afternoon nap didn't really happen because I was too busy with dinner and bathing Juliet and such and sometimes that's just what happens when you are the younger sister, I'm sad to say. I was wearing her in a wrap all night long because she won't nap elsewhere but even so, she was sleep deprived from being moved this way and that. And so she had an early bedtime, at 7:30 pm instead of 9, which this mama can really get behind. I've become a big fan of the early bedtime for little ones. So she gets changed and swaddled and we coo to each other a little bit on her changing table. She gives the best toothless smiles I've ever seen. And she nurses and the milk that is pooling around her mouth dribbles down her chin and she gives a milk drunk grin and my heart fills with peace and joy. I sit there rocking her for another hour just because I can, because she is my baby and this house is finally quiet, and these moments only last for so long and then my babies will be big and asking for the car keys and staying out too late while I wait by the door for them to safely return.

And now, it's time for mama to rest.

just sayin'

I think that the AAP would have a lot more success in getting educated parents to vaccinate their children on schedule if they actually, you know, educated them on what each vaccination was for, what the benefits were, and what the slight to moderate risks could be.

I took Audrey in for the second of her shots today since I decided to spread them out between her 2 month visit and do the remaining ones at 3 months.  Today she got HIB and Prevnar shots. Guess how much the pediatrician and the nurse told me about what the shot was meant to prevent, and what to possibly expect afterward?  You got it -- NOTHING.  And yet the AAP community wonders why educated parents don't want to just inject their children with whatever they are expected to because it's on the CDC schedule.

I left the office with a handout on each vaccination that is given to you only after the shots are administered.  Wouldn't it be better to do this before?  I am not against doing these vaccinations. I believe that most of them (not all, but most) are important based on the research I am doing on my own. It would just be really nice if the doctors would respect a parent enough to educate them on it instead of asking for us to blindly follow and watch our children cry on the table as the needle punctures their skin...to know why we are doing that would be a great first step, don't you think?

a day of rest and faith

We bundled up the girls for church this morning and heard the first sermon in a new series called "Where is God?". It is an apt subject for me as I continue to grieve for my Mom and struggle with understanding where God was through her illness and the horrifying suffering that she endured in the end. We read from Exodus, learning about how Moses and the people of Israel waited on God to deliver them to the Promised Land. In our modern day of iPhones and onDemand-everything, it is so hard to wait for anything, let alone to wait for God and trust in His faithfulness.

We came home from church and had a quiet afternoon full of peaceful play. And then I wrapped Audrey up in my arms and napped with her in bed while Juliet also slept. There are few things I relish more than a nap on a rainy afternoon.

I also took the girls to the park after the rain dried up for a late afternoon romp. And it was on this walk that I felt God's presence very clearly and tangibly.  He was there in the glimmer of sun peaking through the clouds, and in Juliet's delighted smile as she navigated the slide. He was there in Audrey's sleepy grin as she snuggled up into my chest. He is here, and He is good.

(And can I just say that this winter hat that I bought for Juliet was the best $8 I ever spent? I finally found a hat that she doesn't rip off her head in 5 seconds! She left it on the whole time.  Wonders truly never cease.)

Day of rejuvenation.

Gary watched the girls all day long. I didn't know what to do with myself. Here I am with my BFF at our friend C's baby shower. I even set aside the nursing bra and wore a regular bra for the occasion! How's that for fancy? ha!

hard morning

I am having a very hard morning with Juliet.  She is inconsolable and I just don't know what to do to help her. I love her so deeply and feel so sad and overwhelmed that she is often so unhappy. I finally put her in her crib in hopes that she would take an early nap and wake up feel rejuvenated. Mostly, I didn't  know what else to do. She has been screaming in her crib for 25 minutes and it breaks my heart. I devote every single day to meeting her needs and trying my best to play with her and care for her in a gentle way, but she is just not content so much of the time. If anyone has dealt with this before, I'd love to hear your advice or encouragement because I feel at a loss and so discouraged. I'm sitting at my laptop in tears and just feel overwhelmed.

Update:

Sometimes a nap is all it takes.  We have pushed "Restart" on the day and things are looking good.

Update 2: Yep, still looking good.  Whew. I can do this, after all.

the grace of tomorrow

Today was not my finest day.

I was impatient with Juliet and had a very hard time controlling my frustration and using soft words and gentleness with her. 

I was short-tempered with Gary for no particular reason except that he had the unfortunate chance of being the only one around to receive my death glares.

I was annoyed that the garbage disposal broke, even though I'm the one who most likely broke it (by letting a toddler fork slip through.)  I was annoyed that the Santa Ana winds were blowing and making my eyes itch. I was annoyed that I have mountains of laundry to fold, probably 8 loads, and can't find a time when I actually have free hands to fold it. I was annoyed that Juliet threw her dinner on the floor, cried when she woke up from her nap, wouldn't let me put her diaper on, refused to sit in the shopping cart, and was doing all those other annoying things that a toddler is supposed to do. I was annoyed that Audrey didn't want to sleep anywhere but in my arms.

Now that the children are asleep and Gary has escaped me to run an errand, I have some time to reflect. (While watching Parenthood in the background- a great show, seriously.) What a beautiful life I have been given. Thank you God for the grace of having a tomorrow to wake up to and see my children and my husband and be a little bit better than today.

i mean, am i lucky or what?

Boo!

Halloween this year was a lot of fun. I'm too tired to type anything else right now but I want to remember it here with a few fun photos. What a great start to the holiday season.