3 years later...

It's been a long time, blogger! I fell down the rabbit hole of posting to other social media (Facebook, Instagram) and have sadly neglected this little blog of mine. I'm back to show my blog a little TLC, mainly because I feel like there are so many things I want to write to put out there in the universe, and doing so on other social media isn't always very effective or appropriate. So here I go, back at it again.

Since my last post in 2013, I've had 2 more kids, but I bet you knew that already, so I won't get into that whole thing!

But seriously, can we talk Trump? Can we talk Syria? Because this world is spinning a bit out of control right now.

Roller coaster

I don't think the girls are ever going to leave the backyard again ...

Black Friday thoughts

Here are my philosophical thoughts for the morning: we celebrate thanksgiving with gluttony, and follow it with greed on Black Friday. How many deadly sins can Americans fit into one week? It's discouraging. I want to be intentional about teaching my children that we have enough, in fact much much more than we truly need.

Juliet

I'm proud of Juliet. She's made some great strides in her penmanship lately! It's wonderful to watch her grow.

I don't think that explaining the religious component of holidays is working out so well. I told the girls that Christmas is a day to celebrate Jesus' birthday, and now Juliet has been talking all day about planning a surprise birthday party for Jesus and jumping out of the closet to yell "Surprise!" when he walks through the door :)

Fun at the zoo

Yes, Juliet insists on wearing a dress or tutu no matter the occasion, and both insist on their punk sparkly shoes! These girls!!

Making pretend

We've had to go beyond our normal activities this week given how housebound we've been due to illness.

One of the many activities we did today was play pretend that the girls were camping. They were roasting their "marshmallows" and taking inquire seriously- "careful mommy, don't burn yourself on the fire!"...."ooh look, mommy, my marshmallow is turning brown! Yummy!" And so on.

Nice memories of trying to make the most out of

this otherwise rotten week of illness.

A little unclear on the concept

Me: "Are you sure you're telling the truth, Juliet?"
Juliet: "What's that mean, mommy?"
Me: "It means that something really happened, instead of it being pretend."
Juliet: "Like poo poo. And bikes. And scooters. And rainbows. Right, mom?"
Me: "Ummm, I guess?"

Finn's first tea party

A night on the bathroom floor

I acquired a stomach virus that Juliet brought home with her, and haven't been this miserably sick in years. I am finally able to hold down small amounts of liquid but feel horribly weak and achy after several hours of vomiting and fever.

I think I will never grow old enough to stop missing my mom when I'm sick. I want her to walk through the door, put me in bed with a cool cloth on my forehead, and take care of me until I'm better. Gary did an excellent job standing in, and between him, my sister, and our new babysitter, we are all surviving. But I still miss my mom.

Life.

This is from a babywearing meet up at an indoor playground. We just came from ballet class, so Juliet is wearing her dance clothes, and I'm putting a mermaid costume on top of it for her. Meanwhile, I'm blocking the couch with my butt so Finn doesn't roll off, then I will put him on my back in that beautiful carrier a friend is letting me try on.

Audrey is not pictured since she was running around having too much fun! Little miss independent.

I like how this photo capture my daily life!

Her highest compliment

Juliet: "oh, thank you, mommy! You are the best rainbow, sparkle, princess, dancing, celebration party, ballerina  mommy in my whole life!" 

Sometimes you try...

And it's a huge failure. Audrey isn't ready for a toddler bed yet!! They sure did look cute trying, though!

And so it goes

I  am cleaning like a mad woman in preparation for my in-laws to visit. It is reminding me of my mom doing the same to prepare for my grandma (dad's mom) to arrive. I remember telling my mom, "grandma knows we are messy. What's the point?". And so it comes full circle. I get it now, mom...I get it.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

Normalizing breastfeeding, one child at a time

She's growing up...

Audrey has increasingly begun to call me "mom" instead of mommy or mama. I can tell that she's trying the word on for size, watching for my reaction with some sort of understanding that this is a "big girl" word. 

She is very verbal in general, and here are some of her expressions, at just under 2 years:

"Mommy, watch! This is amazing!"

"Oh my GOODNESS!"

"No, mommy, that's not it. That's SILLY!"

Audrey is so constantly full of expression and it always makes my heart full.

(Self portrait by Audrey on iPhone)

Home Depot with "Baba" (grandpa)

Just one of the many reasons I am grateful to be living close to my extended family. These relationships are so special to me. These ordinary and everyday moments bring such a feeling of peace and intimate balance.

Gary and I attended a wedding in Berkeley last weekend and had such a great time, enjoying the fresh breeze and beauty of Berkeley and lovely conversations with old friends. The Bay Area has always whispered "home" to both of us over the years, and did again during our short trip. We talked about moving back up if my family ever starts dispersing and making mass exodus from Orange County, because they are the real reason we are here. And as much as I live the Bay, I hope everyone stays right where we are, because having your family near to love and be loved is really what this life is all about.

Dreaming

I've been dreaming so much about my mom recently. The dreams are just ordinary moments where my mom happens to be present. Nothing sage-like or worth interpretation, just warm pretend moments. It's disappointing to wake up.

Sick baby :(

We are all sick and it sucks. The end.

Surviving

2 years ago we were going through the hardest week of my family's life, watching my mom endure the most terrible suffering and being unable to ease it. I prayed fervently every night when I finally went home, that she would pass peacefully in the night so that her suffering would end. It is a tremendously hard prayer for a daughter to make for her mother. I changed from praying that my mom would somehow get better, to praying that she would die, death being the most compassionate option. 2 years later, I still cry almost every day watching the images pass through my head. Some things just can't be unseen or forgotten.

But we are surviving. And better than that, we are thriving. Here is an image from a quiet night in my home last night, enjoying our most precious blessings and not taking any minute of this for granted. My mom's death has taught me that- there are no givens, no assumptions of tomorrow. So I am fiercely appreciative of every day I have on this earth with my children and my husband.