grief at 11 months

The girls refused to take their afternoon nap yesterday. In a desperate, exhausted attempt to get them to sleep, I drove in circles around my town. Surprisingly, this is the first time that I've ever attempted this strategy. And, it worked- at least for a little while.

I was so tired and emotional from a long week and I found myself driving along Bastanchury Road, enroute to my mom's resting place. With tears running down my face, I turned into the memorial park and stopped at her grave. I left the girls in the car with the air conditioning blasting, and sat at her grave, lying my face on the cool marble and sobbing and shouting. I miss her. It's not fair. I still need my mom, and she's gone, and I hate it.

Today was a new day, and actually a very good, busy day. I ran a 10K. It was great. I guess that's what grief at this stage is like- a very, very hard day mixed in with the rest of life. I still think of my mom every single day, many times a day, and during the middle of the night when I am shuffling between my room and Audrey's. My mom passed away 11 months ago. We are nearing the anniversary and I can feel it looming like a very unwelcome storm on the horizon.