grief, worry, and why I take so many pictures

grief:

Easter was a really hard holiday this year. My mom's absence just pierced me to the core.

On the eve of Easter, Gary and I put the girls to bed as usual. I nursed Audrey to sleep and laid her gently down in her crib. And then Gary and I knelt at Juliet's bed and prayed our bedtime prayers with her, blowing kisses as the door shuts behind us.

Once the girls were asleep, I slipped away to the grocery store to pick up last minute items for the snacks I was bringing to my aunt's the next day. And my grief for my mom overwhelmed me. I sat in the parking lot of Albertson's by myself and wept. I collected myself enough to go in the store, but then found myself weeping as I walked down each aisle of that same store that my mom used to shop in for holidays so often.

I miss my mom. I want her here to watch my girls grow.I want her to delight in them and hold their chubby little hands. I want her here to tell me I'm doing a good job, that I'm a good mother and that she's proud of me.

worry:

I've been starting to have some aggravating carpal tunnel in my wrists. It's nothing to write about, except that my mom also suffered from carpal tunnel for several years. I have so much of my mother's genes in me and the carpal tunnel is just another reminder. I look in the mirror every day and I see the same deep crease between my eyebrows that my mom had in hers, until death came and smoothed her wrinkles all away. I worry that my body will betray me like hers did. I do not want to die my mother's death, nor do I want my children to ever go through what me and my sisters did.

why I take so many pictures:

Because my children are cute, of course. Every mother thinks that her children are far more adorable than any other child.

But also because I want these reminders that I am here, alive and happy with my children. And when I am someday gone, I want them to have piles and piles of photographs so that if they ever need a reminder, they will know that I loved them desperately, that I held them and cherished them and delighted in every moment of being their mother. 

Christmas traditions

As Christmas rapidly approaches, I am thinking a lot about tradition, and memories. I want my children to grow up with warm and fond memories of this season.  I am finding some solace too in honoring my mom through continuing these traditions- so that I can tell my daughters, "This is how Grandma did it for me, and now I do it for you." And I guess that's what life is all about.

When we were kids, my parents allowed us each to open our stockings up as soon as we woke up. This is pretty much my fondest memory of Christmas morning. We didn't have to wait for my mom or dad to get up (which I'm sure was there way of holding us off another precious hour or so!). I have the best memories of sitting in the living room with my sisters and each opening up our stockings and enjoying those small stocking stuffers together and eating our Christmas candy, until Mom & Dad stumbled out to start their coffee.  All the gifts would be set out from "Santa" during the middle of the night, so the bottom of the tree went from being empty to being stacked full of gifts when we woke up. Each gift to the girls was from "Santa", but as we got older, it became undeniable that the handwriting on the gift tag matched my Mom's (until Christy took over gift wrapping duty as a teenager!). 

There are a lot of other fond memories but I don't have enough time to write them tonight. But I'm looking forward to Audrey's first Christmas, and Juliet's second. We are hosting all the family for Christmas dinner at our house, and I suppose that will become part of my children's memories- our house full of family, food, and joy.  I can't wait for a couple more years when they are old enough to pad down the hallway in their pajamas and happily peek into their stockings while Gary and I try to catch a few more minutes of sleep. These are sweet times.

What is your favorite Christmas tradition?

p.s. This was my attempt at trying to get Juliet to sit still near the Christmas tree for a photo. oh well!
p.p.s. Because we all know that Christmas really isn't about the gifts, or shouldn't be anyway-- I am trying to think of memorable ways to incorporate giving and service into my family's Christmas tradition. I'd love to hear your ideas on that too.

family photos

We took our annual family photos for our Christmas card this weekend.  I spent all afternoon bathing the babies, carefully dressing them in pretty little outfits, finding time to blow dry my hair and put on a little makeup. It was an all day affair getting ready! And Juliet was in an awesome mood all day, playful and giggling, even while driving in the car to get to the photo spot.

And then, of course, because she is a toddler and who knows why- she was just over it.  Did not want to smile, did not want to walk, did not did not did not. And so yet again, I repeat my mantra of 2 under 2: Embrace the chaos!  The cute photos I envisioned of Juliet and Audrey cuddled together in that little trunk just didn't happen, but thanks to our very talented photographer (Jenna of Fina Photography, for those in OC), we were able to get a few family photos worth putting on the wall.  I'm not giving up on the idea of the annual family photo, but we may just do it in the backyard next year!
 

And what a difference a year makes.  This is last year's Christmas photo:

love overflowing

I look at these photos and just feel so full of joy and love for my family.  I am so, so grateful that I am able to experience the joy of being a mama and a wife. There is no place I'd rather be than here.

And the bonus of having 2 girls is that I get to dress them up in matching prints on occasion. This will become helpful in their sisterly bonding as they get older- they can both roll their eyes at their mother and think that I was a total geek for making them dress alike.

scenes from fall

Fullerton does not have extreme seasonal changes compared to most areas of the country, but even in this part of the world, I can feel that fall is in the air.  The mornings are becoming cool and crisp, and I have to put a jacket and shoes on Juliet now before our morning walk instead of going barefoot.

I am trying to embrace this seasonal change, and I thought I'd share what our life is looking like this morning. What are you doing to embrace the fall season?

Our "Turlock pumpkins" decorating the front porch

Juliet helping us collect our pumpkins in Turlock

Three scarecrows decorating our front yard. Look, we even have leaves on the ground!

A witch in the bushes, oh my!

Our morning walk through the neighborhood in our pajamas

Gary wanted to get the 2 ton pumpkin but we didn't have room in our car ;)

my sweet dorothy and adorable zebra

Halloween is like 1,000,000 times more awesome with little babes to dress up!